Thursday, April 9, 2015

Greetings from JamRock

Current Affairs----

Well, here I am on the beautiful island of Jamaica where I am adoringly welcomed (every undeserving Nobel Peace Prize-winning part of me) by its people, with its government taking the blame for all the inconveniences people are experiencing here because of my visit. Haha! The people do not realize that my security department calls the shots (wherever I go) regarding every street closure, every hotel takeover, everything. My security department tells the government of each country I visit what is needed, and it gets done - or no visit. The Jamaicans (well, if not all of them, a lot of them, I guess) are making a big deal about this visit, but what they don't realize is that this is not a state visit; it is a mere stop-over so I can meet briefly with the Caricom leaders (who will be more interested in being photographed with me) before heading to the main event in Panama. 

Of course I will be telling Portia how pleased I am with how she is making use of the IMF's help (stranglehold) and telling her to keep doing exactly as she is doing (cutting funding for education, health care, etc., among other things) to make sure the IMF gets paid. [Personally...(whisper)...between you and me, I feel it for the tiny island; it has one of the worst debt burdens in the world. It is paying back so much interest that it doesn't have anything left in its budget for other things. But hey! That's none of my business; my bosses, the Bigs, know what they are doing. We don't need another Greece in my backyard.]

But more importantly, I will be making sure the Caricom leaders (yawn) know who the boss is in this hemisphere (You notice how they were all silent when I said that Venezuela was a threat to our national security? Haha! None of them had the backbone to say anything, even though Venezuela is helping them big time with oil subsidies.). Things have been getting out of control in these parts lately. I can't have them following the examples of Christina, Rafael, Dilma, and Evo. And thank God the shit is hitting the fan in Dilma's neck of the woods. Hopefully it will provide some distraction from all this silly talk about a BRICS Development Bank. Sheesh! We don't need that shit around here. It's the World Bank, or IMF or nothing. It's all about Monroe, baby! It's all about Monroe. You feel me?

And of course it's about further isolating Venezuela (coup attempts), making it impossible for that country to exert its influence in the region (more coup attempts), and making sure that Caricom is not dependent on PetroCaribe (even more coup attempts). Hey! We need markets (Caricom's included) for our oil since we are now getting involved in the oil exporting business. Didn't you know? We are reducing our dependence on on fossil fuel to keep our air clean while we sell that polluting stuff to countries that can't afford cleaner alternatives. It's also about keeping China out as well. I notice they have been helping these Caribbean countries quite a lot lately. Can't have that around here. Can't have China doing business in my hood. 

Moreover, it's about big, fat, juicy Cuba (salivating). You gotta hand it to my bosses, the Bigs, for making me realize that there is more profit to be made by easing the restrictions on Cuba than by maintaining the restrictions. Wait a minute! You thought all my talk about Cuba was just to be nice? Geddoudahere!! It's about market, stupid! It's all about market. Don't you love it though? The adoration of the Jamaicans and many others. Wherever I go around the world, I have people (sheeple) and their leaders fawning over me. They just can't seem to see beyond my "charm", my charisma, and my eloquence. Niccolo was right; appearance is everything. You should read him. All this stuff is starting to get boring though; I can't wait to get away from these minor players so I can get back to the major league - you know - like stirring up conflict in Eurasia. That's a hell of a lot more fun. I wonder what "mannish water" is.